Sunday, July 20, 2008 @ 4:02 PM
Hi Darling,
It's been nearly a month since you were gone. How are you? I've been thinking about you everyday, and on some days I feel ok, but some days it's not so good. Today is 1 of those days, I miss you so much.
Watching Friends helps alot, never fails to crack me up. And I got a little puppy too, a toy poodle - you know, what I always wanted - but its apricot color instead of red. Belle is so cute, but I'm having some difficulties training it. On those days when I'm sitting beside the cage, waiting for her to pee or poo, I keep wishing you are sitting by my side. I will close my eyes and imagine I'm leaning on your shoulders, saying nothing at all, just both of us waiting for her to do her business. And I know you are there, by my side.
I feel really, really blessed that you have been in my life. You made me look forward to the future, and made so many plans for us. You also taught me that love, expects no returns. You have done so much for me, but I kept bullying you, getting upset over small things. But you took it in your stride, never complaining. The least I could do was to be a good wife to you, devote my entire life to you. But little did I know that you did not expect me to do that too. You gave me so much love, and yet did not take anything in return from me. I love you so much for that.
I'm now starting to think about my own future. I really would like to go overseas to study, but I'm not sure what course to take. I like psychology, maybe I should take that and go into counseling. I feel like I should use this experience to go and help others. I don't want to experience this for nothing. I know you made me go through this for a reason.
I finally felt ready to open your laptop. I was afraid. Afraid of opening it as I know that computers are the most personal aspect of our life. I will be able to see what you surfed, what you were reading, what anime you were watching before you left. I feel so nostalgic as I was looking through your files. I didn't know that you were still downloading WII and NDS games for me.. I thought that you would have stopped downloading when you are there. And you never told me. I am touched, you have always done things with me in thought.
I don't feel regret knowing you, and what you put me through. People die. That's a fact. The only difference is whether you die before your loved ones, or your loved ones dies before you. Although we did argue before about who should go first, both of us wanted to go before each other. I was glad that you went first. I was able to spare you from the pain I am going through now. You will never get to experience this hurt.
Everywhere I go, everything I see, eat, feel, listen - you are in everyone of them. I see your shadow everywhere. In my room, I keep thinking about how we dance, on the night before you left.
I love you, but I will get over you. I am stronger now. I promise.
See you in heaven, with the angels. Till then, my love.
Goodnight and sweet dreams, my hero.
Only when you drink from the river of silence,
Shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top,
Then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
Then shall you truly dance.
..........
In loving memory of Koh Tshui Khim - Love of my life.
Passed away 25 June 2008. Engaged to marriage in 3 months.
~ emi ~
